| Aug. 17th, 2007 @ 11:18 am Calgary |
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My one and only vacation wound up starting off a little disasterous. I went to Didsbury for my cousin's wedding and when I arrived and found my cousin a stranger. She introduced me to her new family as the cousin she grew up hating. Candi and I grew up best friends. We used to dress the same and get into all kinds of trouble together. We were so close that I always told her that she would be part of my life always and she said the same. Her wedding came and went and I was not invited to the actual ceremony but just the reception days later like the rest of the extended family. At first I wasn't hurt because she explained it was just for immediate family but when I arrived and watched the video and saw the pictures of the actual wedding I realized this wasn't true. She had invited her best friends from high school and friends from around the world...but not me. That didn't bother me as much as her introduction followed by her short answers to all my questions and the awkward feeling I had while being in the room with her. Than to top it all off she told me that she wasn't sure of the trip everyone was to go on when the reception was through but I found out that they had planned to go camping and than last min. changed it to going to canmore. The reception went well and I wound up reconnecting with Rhianon. We still never really have talked about what went on there but I know once I sort things through with my father more I will be more whiling to sort things through with my sister. Her and I got really drunk with the family and made asses out of our selves... to be honest I had fun and didn't give a rats ass what they thought of me later, which I am sure was all good anyway. I got to see Britney again too. Britney and I were really close when we were kids and I can remember playing with her all the time than one day it seemed to stop and never really understood. She eventually stopped coming around to see my grandparents and I rarely heard of her. Once my grandmother decided to hate me I understood why I never saw her. I was always jealous that her father had chosen not to expose his kids to that kind of abuse yet my mother dropped us into and left us there to live for awhile. When I talked with her last weekend she explained how she and her siblings had thought they were alone the abuse by the grandparents thing and how they felt about them and was releaved to find out the day before the reception that it my family had suffered the same way and felt the same way as well. I love Britney! She has grown up to be my kind of people. She is super funny, witty, and very very ...just awesome! I am going to her wedding next summer. I found out too that my uncle had been disowned several times. I feel like I wish I could go back in time and fix everything or stay connected...I wish I would have known or could have felt like I had some sort of extended family. I don't know what to think of Candi. This hurt and burned me bad, I really don't think our relationship will ever be the same. My mom the entire weekend was crazy. She is getting dumber and more frantic by the day it seems. I don't know what's wrong with her and by the way she moves I would think she is on Coc. But I know that she's not...she's just crazy. She is becoming a drama queen and EVERYTHING is turned into something about her..the ole woah is me gig. She is starting to really piss me off and I can hear and feel myself shutting down to her. I don't want to rescue her anymore. She is like poison. She complains about how people treat her but she NEVER says anything about it to them and continues to do favors and bend over backwards for people. So frustrating and I finally told her that I just don't want to hear about it anymore. On the way to her driving me to Calgary in her luxury Saab car she told me all about how poor she is (even though when she came down to Vancouver had with her Prada dresses and spent a shit load of money of clothing and purses) and how she is going to have to not go to school because she can't afford it. In fact she stated that she couldn't even afford to live. I told her how she should sell her overly nice car so that she can follow her dreams. She insisted she would rather just not go... so frustrating to try to help someone who refuses to do anything. She is starting to be so much like a spoiled brat child. Than today she calls me up saying that she found a place to stay in Red Deer and that it is only $400 a month. So I asked her how she can afford it and she avoided the question. When she was finished telling me all about how nice it is I asked her again. She fumbled and stuttered and than said "I have a line of credit. I will just use that." I can't help but feel like a child again. When I was a kid she would tell us how she could barely afford groceries growing up and how we were always on a super tight budget because we were broke. I remember saving money so that if we ever went completely broke I could save us...with my pennies tee hee. I later realized that we were never REALLY broke and if we were I could never tell the difference. I could never tell whether she was lying about her financial situation or not... I think time is a lie. I think she is fine.
So after a very stressful weekend full of disfunctional family I headed to my fathers. I have been writing emails back and forth to my father trying to get him to stop doubting me and telling me I am worthless basically so I was very nervous to arrive. Luckily he wasn't home when I got out of the car with my mom and I wound up sitting at their kitchen table with Lynda crying for a good half an hour. Her and I talked and bounded for a while over my pains that I have been enduring when it came to family. When my father came home I avoided talking to him as much as possible and hoped to hell that Lynda would tell him that I can't, nor do I have the strength, to deal with our issue on this trip. The following days I just relaxed, did nothing, and sat on the dock. I slept as much as I could and ate my face off. My father and I hung out once where he took me downtown so I could do a graphic for a client at Ashley's office and than went for lunch all three of us. I took pictures of an electronics recycling place and got 'spoken to' several times. Tee hee. Than when my father and I arrived home, after me telling him on the drive home that I didn't want to talk about the emails or our issue this trip, he brought it up again. How I shouldn't have quit my job and just kept one part time and did all my stuff until I had money coming in. I flipped! Right after emailing him about this exact thing! I told him, though not very clearly because I was so mad I could have started walking home to Vancouver, how much he put me down with that comment. I think he could tell how mad I was and appoligized. Why is so fucking hard for my father to have faith in me, to believe in me?! I finished the Glass Castle and the entire time I kept thinking to myself 'why isn't she as fucked up in the head as I am, her childhood was worse than mine'. The only conclusion I came to is that although her parents where shit heads they regularily told their children how much they loved them... now showing it was a little different though I didn't really get much of either. I am excited for this women's weekend and think it is perfect timing. I hooked up with Justin which was great. I really do love that man but in a odd way. I love him and respect him and hell am even attracted to him but wouldn't date him. I guess he is just a sincere good friend. Today I go out with Alice which i am super excited for. I miss my little escape, vancouver, and i miss my friends, my life, and painting. I have really liked reading and think I will continue as much as I can. I had a good talk with my brother about redefining the definition of failure and about how to make myself the best at what I am stating to get myself into. I missed Chris like mad but resisted calling him, even though I emailed him, and have been contemplating celibacy. I think it would be good for me and allow me some time to further work through my own issues and to re-strengthen my inner self. I feel lately like I really need to do that and to really get creative on my work. When i am with a guy or trying to get a guy I find I focus too much on superficial things and spend a large portion of my time worrying about my appearance. I am watching movies with Jonathan on Sunday night which I am looking forward to. I really like the guy and always have. Even though we have mainly talked on msn over the years I still really value him as a friend...weird. msn is so weird really. I feel a MAJOR shift in me starting and I am scared and excited as hell. I hope the mexican hasn't torn my apartment apart. |
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